I Don't Want That Chapter Title

It’s as if our life is written in chapters.  And for many years, we look forward to those chapters or even hope they’ll come to be written.  We are the 16 year old who can’t wait for more chapters.  College.  Boyfriend.  Friends.  Moving.  Adventures.  Planning a Wedding.  Marriage.  First Baby.  Glorious chapters that for most are written and we wait for them.

But then, it happens.  The chapter we never wanted written.  It comes in the darkness, unexpectedly and there in our book of life is a chapter, several chapters we never asked for, hoped for, or thought surely wouldn’t be in our book.  Divorce.  Addiction.  Parental failure.  Infertility.  Premature death of child.  Early loss of parent.  Financial loss.  Adultery.  Becoming our Mom.  Confusion.  Discontentment.  Being that Mom with Raging Toddler in Target.  Anger.  Yelling lots.  Panic attacks.  Depression. Distance from spouse. 

Chapter after chapter.  We didn’t want.  Or we don’t have, but begin to fear with a gripping stomach fear that becomes the basis of all our present choices…as to avoid the future chapter title we hope will never be published.  Because it would just break us. 

And the truth is we don’t trust Jesus would be enough when that dreaded chapter gets written.  He won’t be able to heal me.  Help me.  Comfort me.  The broken pieces scattered around will just hurt too much.  I won’t even pick them up.  And I’m really not sure He will either. 

Cause somehow it was probably my fault. 

Pressure.  So now I have a chapter I never wanted, and pieces I have to pick up all by myself.  Alone.  Scared.  Ashamed. 

So we fear.  We used to be without fear, but now we have it.  We fear a life that is impossible.   And so we put out our arms and try to juggle.  We find the best schools.  We read all the great books.  We attend conferences and programs.  And we do it all with a heart of fear.  Fear if I don’t, then that unexpected chapter title will find me.  And the fear has poisoned our joy. 

For to the extent that we fear the unexpected, will be the extent we distrust Jesus to be enough. He is enough.  Today.  He is enough for your today.  So let Him be.


And all of a sudden the energy is nowhere to be found in putting forth worrying about what may or may not ever happen.  Cause you’ve realized the weight of choosing wisdom in today requires enough.  More of you than you ever thought.  Cause it's all just a little harder than you thought it would be.  And that's what's so gripping to your core.  

He is your Savior.  Let yourself feel the wretchedness you need saved from.  Let the juggling act crash.  And it might just not be as bad as you think.  Such hope in trusting.  Freedom in letting yourself be helped and loved.  By Him.  Cause it’s not your fault.  You don't have to live in fear of that Chapter Title.  And He does love you.  


  1. This is awesome, Julie! We live in a world that tricks us into thinking our lives are totally of our making. We predict and carve out our own happiness just by being educated, motivated and in control. But that's so false. And then what?

    ...then the crash. Then Christ.

    Thank you for being bold enough to say these words in such a public way.

    (I hope everything is OK over there. Saying a prayer for you today, friend)

    1. we are doing wonderful. Rejoicing more than ever at God's faithfulness! I've been writing a bit for a women's newsletter at church....this was a recent article posted.

  2. Wow, Julie, wow. This is just so spot on, and we've all got the chapters we hoped would never be written. So thankful that He has redeemed some of mine. And I have faith that one day they will all be redeemed...Praise God!

  3. refreshing and beautifully said. i find the more i juggle, the harder the crash. the more to pick up. and the more i need Him. praying your chapter is wiped clean by new hope.

  4. Beautifully put! May God bless and keep you and your family in ALL the Chapters of your life!


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