Late Confessions

As a new mom with my Big Boy, I was lost but convinced I had it all figured out. That tends to be my trend in life. When feeling out of control, look for all possible ways to feel in control. The ironic part is I feel most at peace when my heart and spirit are in deep surrender that I am truly not in control and in continual desperation for help. If I was blogging back in 2004 with my big boy, I would've written a post of many I write them, late.

I was convinced every time he cried, I was certain to figure it out and solve the crying. I placed him on a schedule and certainly didn't understand why he wasn't sticking to it. Did he not receive the memo? I worried too much, and cuddled too little. I was even annoyed at times at his intrusion in my life. He needed me in great ways. The tone of my spirit was daily set on how often he was fussy and how little he had slept. I could at any moment tell anyone to the minute how much he had slept that day. When concerned, I grabbed books and computer screens. When tired, I blamed him.

Our God is good. I'm so thankful not only that His grace abounds on mothers, but that He does not love me how I entered motherhood.....rigid, unforgiving, and lacking in attention. Life is full of processes that unfold. We must choose to enter ourselves into them in ways that better us, hopefully for His glory, His good , His Kingdom. I love my Big Boy very different today than how our relationship started. I listen to him. I watch him. I pray for him and for me as his mom. He has a Maker who knows him in passionate ways. I don't need books (though I do still love reading them). They are not my end-all to answers. They bring no peace. I pray more and worry less (most days).

My baby boy is fussy, friends. He cries and I don't know why. He's awake when I know he's tired. He sleeps only some, for not long. Each moment I cuddle him, rock him and soothe him is an opportunity to engage in the great mystery of God's love holding me. I don't understand it, but IT holds me. It holds me tight when I want out. It holds me when I'm angry, it holds me when I have joy. It's gracious and tender. It's patient and unwavering.

I don't have to understand it. Thankfully.


  1. Those moments of feeling totally out of control are horrible, but after a good cry and surrendering to Him comes great refreshment. You're so wise to accept and fully embrace your own limitations as a mom. I learned that from our early conversations when my L was new. Those talks with you about why I felt so angry that my husband's life hadn't changed when mine had so drastically and how frustrated I was about L never sleeping--you understood. God gives us sisters in this journey of motherhood, too. Amen.

  2. I just read your "late confessions". I love you! You are an amazing woman who's heart is so good! I am so proud to call you "daughter and friend". I learn so much from you. You are an amazing Mother!

  3. funny. I just read this post. Wish I would have read last week, before I called you about my little people over here. Thanks for your wisdom in that conversation, the gentle reminders of Who really is in control.


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