Week One: Life with our Newborn

We made it.  Week one home with our littlest boy, and it has been beautiful.  He does all things a new babe should do, and each moment is precious.  He is a gift, and we are so very thankful.  He entered the world peacefully and beautifully.  

The 3 big boys are doing amazing with him.  They love him. Eli is a bit concerned about him, the crying, the nursing, the constant holding; but he loves him all the same.  And being a big brother is a whole new role for him.  

the boys insisted on a 'birth'day cake the night we brought him home from the hospital.  Coen was very excited about it, as you can see.  

We are so thankful for this time with our sweet baby boy.  Thankful for the immense amount of prayer and support throughout pregnancy, labor and delivery.  Thankful for our local friends who treat us like family with love, meals, and great help.  Thankful for our home on base, close to what we need when a trip to the store can feel impossible right now.  Thankful for my husband who leads us with humor when we need it, loves me with grace and patience, and I'm purely in love with him. Thankful our hope is in the unchanging love and foundation of Jesus.  So glad He arises with us each morning and never slumbers.  His love compels me to joy amidst chaos.  

We are smitten. 

Grateful for 4

Update on This Pregnancy

Besides this question, I mostly get asked, "How are you feeling?" So before I blink and this pregnancy is over, I thought I'd capture the answer here.  For me to remember, and you, if you're interested.

I've had a beautiful pregnancy.

I've eaten well almost the entire pregnancy, some out of conviction, but most thankfully out of what just sounded good.

Up until the last 3 weeks, when Fritos, chocolate and any thing covered in sugar sounds completely wonderful.  It's been a bit harder and lots of self-control to stay eating well for this baby.  It really is amazing how much it effects how I feel each day based on what I've eaten.

The boys have been amazing throughout the pregnancy.  It's my first pregnancy with no one in diapers, no one napping, and three very trained boys to play by themselves if needed....while I nap or just sit down.

Also, having specifically a 7yr old and a 5yr old.....I can continually throw out, "Do you think your strong enough to carry that for Mommy?"  I have instant helpers, who really do....help!

Our fourth son will be here in less than 2 weeks.  I would say we're less ready than we've ever been.  The car seat is completely cleaned and sanitized, but still sitting in a back room....not yet in the van.  I'm sure there's plenty we forgot to buy or just completely forgot we even need.  I had to google what to put in a hospital bag, cause I really couldn't recall what was important.  We have diapers, drawers full of freshly washed onesies and sleepers.  I hope our baby washcloths aren't completely in shreds.

But we do have peace.  And hope.  And excitement.  We have patient arms ready to hold screaming baby.  And we know there's going to be really bad days.  And with that we also know tomorrow will be a new one, and eventually screaming baby will stop and we will sleep again.  We are so excited to welcome this baby into our family.  This miracle.  Our baby.

So in feeling completely not ready, perhaps we're more ready than we've ever been.  'Cause I sit in peace in his current empty room and rock in the chair, and I know that reading all the books and buying all the gear will never prepare you, prepare me, to hold a fresh baby and hear his cry for need.

We are ready.  And waiting.  Come soon fourth son.  We can't wait to meet you.

I Don't Want That Chapter Title

It’s as if our life is written in chapters.  And for many years, we look forward to those chapters or even hope they’ll come to be written.  We are the 16 year old who can’t wait for more chapters.  College.  Boyfriend.  Friends.  Moving.  Adventures.  Planning a Wedding.  Marriage.  First Baby.  Glorious chapters that for most are written and we wait for them.

But then, it happens.  The chapter we never wanted written.  It comes in the darkness, unexpectedly and there in our book of life is a chapter, several chapters we never asked for, hoped for, or thought surely wouldn’t be in our book.  Divorce.  Addiction.  Parental failure.  Infertility.  Premature death of child.  Early loss of parent.  Financial loss.  Adultery.  Becoming our Mom.  Confusion.  Discontentment.  Being that Mom with Raging Toddler in Target.  Anger.  Yelling lots.  Panic attacks.  Depression. Distance from spouse. 

Chapter after chapter.  We didn’t want.  Or we don’t have, but begin to fear with a gripping stomach fear that becomes the basis of all our present choices…as to avoid the future chapter title we hope will never be published.  Because it would just break us. 

And the truth is we don’t trust Jesus would be enough when that dreaded chapter gets written.  He won’t be able to heal me.  Help me.  Comfort me.  The broken pieces scattered around will just hurt too much.  I won’t even pick them up.  And I’m really not sure He will either. 

Cause somehow it was probably my fault. 

Pressure.  So now I have a chapter I never wanted, and pieces I have to pick up all by myself.  Alone.  Scared.  Ashamed. 

So we fear.  We used to be without fear, but now we have it.  We fear a life that is impossible.   And so we put out our arms and try to juggle.  We find the best schools.  We read all the great books.  We attend conferences and programs.  And we do it all with a heart of fear.  Fear if I don’t, then that unexpected chapter title will find me.  And the fear has poisoned our joy. 

For to the extent that we fear the unexpected, will be the extent we distrust Jesus to be enough. He is enough.  Today.  He is enough for your today.  So let Him be.

And all of a sudden the energy is nowhere to be found in putting forth worrying about what may or may not ever happen.  Cause you’ve realized the weight of choosing wisdom in today requires enough.  More of you than you ever thought.  Cause it's all just a little harder than you thought it would be.  And that's what's so gripping to your core.  

He is your Savior.  Let yourself feel the wretchedness you need saved from.  Let the juggling act crash.  And it might just not be as bad as you think.  Such hope in trusting.  Freedom in letting yourself be helped and loved.  By Him.  Cause it’s not your fault.  You don't have to live in fear of that Chapter Title.  And He does love you.  

Almost 38 weeks